Erin Willow

I find every year that I think about my firsborn daughter Erin Willow's death in May. She died and was born June 19 and 20th, but I think about her quite a bit in May in the weeks leading up to this anniversary of her death. Some of the years just have seemed to run into each other, and other years stand out because they would have been milestone years. This year is one of the milestone years. She would have been 18 this June and graduating from high school, getting ready to start her adult life. I see the girls at the kingdom hall that are around the age she would have been, and know she would have been doing things with them, laughing with them, planning things with them. I see the senior girls at Devin's high school when I go to pick him up everyday, and know she would have that lightness and happiness that they all have - it is the end of the their senior year, and in a few short weeks she'd be at her commencement.

I never forget about her. 18 years later, around the anniversary of her death and birth, she is on my mind with greater frequency. I never forget how she looked, what I felt and said the first time I saw her - she looked like William's mother I thought, she looked like William. I never forget what she felt like in my arms. I never forget giving her that last time to the nurse on staff to have her taken to be cremated. I never forget after the shock wore off that desperation I felt there should be someone or someplace I should have been able to go to make it right. That there was so much I didn't know about her. Even 18 years later, it is a deep sadness.

If I have never forgotten, neither has Jehovah. I don't know how it is actually going to happen that I get her back - he does say that the desire of our hearts will be satisfied, so however it actually happens, it will be satisfying I have no doubt. It is strange how it is - the longer the wait, the both easier and harder it gets at the same time.